It has been years since I have last thought of taking the easiest way out of the murky, deep waters. It was about to happen when I was slicing tomatoes; when my mind just went blank, and the only thought that popped in my head is what till happen if plunged the knife into my belly. Would it hurt? If it killed me, would anyone think of any reason why I have done it to myself?
A few questions kept popping in my mind, but one out of those petty questions snapped me out of what I’m supposed to try. The question is, “Will I ever come to a point in my life where I’ll forget I even thought about these and just be happy?” It stopped me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I had to get away from the kitchen; too afraid that the bizarre thoughts might come back again.
I’m here now. I started a blog wherein I can express whatever it is that kept pulling me back into the murky, deep waters. I’ve already done enough of positive thinking.. and the more I use it, the more I lied to myself. It didn’t help me. It just gave me a better view of how messed up I am. I have a lot of friends, but no one to talk to. I have a family where no one actually shares personal thoughts. I have someone I love who I always try to open up this side of me, but wouldn’t even listen to me.
Maybe I just needed someone I could talk to. And I thought, maybe at least a blog could be another help wherein I could let these feelings out.